Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no