[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
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When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.