No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
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Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Imagine this: you’re home alone and you sneeze. Suddenly the phone rings and you answer, then someone whispers “Bless you” and hangs up
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.