Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
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therapist: what’s your greatest fear
me: randomly going blind
therapist: i see
me: but for how long?
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
Me: the constitution says I have the right to assemble
Ikea clerk: you have to buy it first
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
My wife gives the best headache.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse