No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
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Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely