Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
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Xanax, keeping moms from dropping their kids off at an orphanage since 1981.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Self-cleaning conscience
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.