The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
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A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
😏😏😏
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Help Wanted
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?