[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
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[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
.. do you even science?
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.