[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
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cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
I wish I were this cool 😂
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.