How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
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[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
This was my dad’s browser history.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
🙋♀️
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.