god: call them deer
angel: ok. what do they look like
god: eh pretty normal
angel: ok
god: [suddenly] put a tree on its face
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me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing giraffe?
me measuring the ceiling: no idea.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown