My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
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If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I like being a landlord for people I can feed noodles to all the time because they’re lo mein tenants.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!