Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
I’ve always sucked at math! How many people should there be in a relationship?
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue