If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Potatoes were such a good idea
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!