craving $300 all of a sudden
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“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
#NoRestForTheWicked
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.