Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
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Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me