Dad was probably bluffing when he said he’d turn the car around after driving 198 miles of a 200 mile trip but WE COULDN’T TAKE THAT CHANCE.
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Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Stop asking me about my five year plan.
Let me eat my pizza in peace and denial.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?