Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
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[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.