Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
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Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
°a turd walks into a bar°
[BARTENDER] why the long face pal?
[TURD] °sighs° i just got dumped
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
meanwhile over on facebook
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
choose your fighter