people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
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8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
My kids have pulled out the NERF guns. What could possibly go wrong?
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
an octopus is just a wet spider
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.