5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
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My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT