Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
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We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Why do clean clothes make tomato sauces so aggressive?
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.