Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
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Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
My ex has made me dinner..
*gives a bit to the dog first*
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
RIP Ronaldo’s Moth. The world’s most famous footballing insect has died after a long and illustrious career. He was 6 weeks old.