LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
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captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
My mum tells me that she turns the internet off when she goes to bed, incase you’re wondering why your screen just went blank.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
My 16 yr old has a mandatory sophomore Catholic school retreat that lasts 24 hours. No phones allowed. His argument against going, “I just can’t.”
Me, “It’s tradition. Even I did it. All your siblings did it. Nothing can stop it. Absolutely nothing. Period.”Coronavirus: LOL.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Had an epiphany today.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day