Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
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This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”
Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
The second world war should have been called world war returns
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??