visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
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At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Dr: How may I help?
Me: Wife says I’m overweight
D: Yes, I see you’ve a very healthy appetite. OK, let’s talk gastric bands
[later]
Wife: How’d it go?
M: Good! He said I was very healthy, then just wanted to chat about music
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.