My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
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If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
SPLOOT
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.