Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!
Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”
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“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Liven up any boring conversation by telling people you have a glass eye and then watch them try and figure out which one it is.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
synchronized noseblowing
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
when you wanna say “sup” in Japanese you say “Konnichiwa”
when you wanna say “sup dawg” in Japanese you say “Konnichihuahua”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose