“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
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Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.