Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
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back to work
non-violent communication is so important in a relationship! instead of:
“you never take out the trash”
try:
“i FEEL like the spreadsheet i’ve kept for the last six months indicates you only took the trash out 3.2% of the time”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
urinal cakes? what’s next? urinal muffins and cookies? urinal brownies? urinal tarts? an entire unexplored world out there
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.