[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
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What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
[marketing meeting]
Boss: so what did we come up with for these little pieces of potato?
The Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Tater children
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.