Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
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Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
if you give me a serious answer to a silly question I’m giving you a wedgie
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Yep.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Things will get butter, keep churning
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
no!! no!!!!!!
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Friend: Take more chances in life.
Me: I wonder who would notice the missing mini fridge first, the hotel cleaning staff or the next guest?
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided