Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
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evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.