The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
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what other people think of me is none of my business. unless it’s bad, then i need to know everything
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
couldn’t resist
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.