This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
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Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me: