I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.