Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
You Might Also Like
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Me: I’m only going to ask you to clean this mess up ONE more time.
6-year-old: That’s good. I was tired of hearing you ask.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
I have two kinds of followers
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I’d hang this in my house.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”