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Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
I have my own hand stamper at home so my coworkers will think I went someplace fun the night before.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
HBO’s Cookie Monster is much darker
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫