‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
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Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
The older I get, the more I treat birthdays like one night stands and just pretend they didn’t happen.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]