One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
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No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
If you’ve ever wanted to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in ages, take a quick trip to the grocery store looking like complete shit.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.