[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
security at the airport getting more straightforward
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
When your best mate counts as a desk too
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
By far the dumbest thing I’ve made
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.