[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
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Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.