She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
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A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’m the guy that slams on his horn in traffic and fake looks behind me to see who’s doing it.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.