Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.