Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
23. the denim jacket
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
is it earth
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes