*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
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First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
How do you plead?
“Your honor there are 12 jurors & I brought a dozen donuts”
Bribery is illeg-
“A baker’s dozen” *winks*
Case dismissed
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Bond. Trauma bond.
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.