North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
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A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.