I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”