The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
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*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!