I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
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you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes